A Recovering Control Freak’s Worst Nightmare: Surrender
If you’re a recovering control freak like me, then I’m going to bet one of the worst words in the English vocabulary is:
Surrender.
If that word just made you roll your eyes and shudder, then stay with me here.
For those of us who have been traumatized (which at this point in our collective history is ALL OF US) surrendering can be one of the most painful actions and one that we avoid and resist the most.
We’ve been taught that surrender means to give up our sense of autonomy and sovereignty. It means to give over control. It means that we’re waving our white flag and admitting defeat.
All of that could be true, in a sense. If you’re relating to surrender as a waving of a white flag, of admitting defeat, then that’s where the problem lies. Surrender is definitely admitting defeat if we’re interpreting it that way, which unfortunately, due to the systems of toxic capitalism, supremacy, patriarchy, and industrialism that we live in, we’ve come to believe is the definition.
However, what I can tell you after almost a decade in recovery is that surrender is an action word. Surrender is a verb. Surrender means I am consciously making the decision to no longer beat my head against a brick wall until it’s a bloody pulp.
One could think of that as defeat.
I invite you to consider it as something else.
I invite you to consider it as you practicing your autonomy and using your sovereign power, to take an action of turning it over. Of saying, I’m no longer willing to be overly dependent of self-reliance and I’m opening up to the possibility that there’s a Divine order of things and allowing that Divine order an opportunity to step in.
What I’ve come to find every time I’m given the opportunity to practice surrender is that things always work out more beautifully than I could have ever imagined, for me and everyone else involved.
I remember when I wanted to start a podcast. For years I kept thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it. I’d even recorded a couple episodes of it. But it never went anywhere beyond that. I just wasn’t ready.
Then, when the time came and I followed the Divine inspiration, I recorded the first six episodes in one afternoon. The next day I edited them and submitted to Apple Podcasts. Then, I had to surrender.
I had to acknowledge I have done everything that I can do and anything else beyond that was no longer in my control.
Then, I let it go.
I’d heard that it takes anywhere from three to six weeks to hear back from Apple about podcasts so I sat back and prepared to wait. You can imagine my surprise when I received an email response from them within 24–48 hours. All systems go, green light given, my podcast was live.
I recall saying to myself that day:
“There’s nothing more powerful than a woman in God’s will for her.”
It’s still written down in hot pink on my whiteboard. It serves as a reminder that surrender is simply me aligning with my Higher Power’s dreams and desires for me (which ultimately are my dreams and desires because my Higher Power put those dreams and desires in me).
Surrender requires our willing participation.
Since that time I’ve come to find that every time I willingly take the action of surrendering my will and my life, including all of my words and actions, over to a Higher Power, everything works out more beautifully than I could have ever imagined or orchestrated myself. I have an entire book of evidence filled with examples of how choosing surrender is always the best option.
Now, as a recovering control freak surrender may still not be my go-to, but it’s definitely a work in progress. There’s a phrase in the recovery community, “Let go or be dragged.” My default can still be “get dragged,” and the beauty of it is, today I have tools. Today I have the tools to recognize when I’m in self-will run riot and trying to force my will. Today I have the tools to decide if I want to keep being dragged or if I want to take the conscious action of surrendering. Today I have the power of choice.
My ego might still think that I’m waving the white flag and admitting defeat. But I know that I’m choosing the action of opening up to a Higher Order of things, I’m opening up to possibility.
Next time you’re faced with making the choice to surrender, I invite you to give it a try. Practice building that muscle. And celebrate the heck out of the fact that you have survived 100% of the times you have chosen to surrender. 🥳 It’s how your nervous system learns that it’s safe to surrender.
Want to take the practice of surrender deeper? Check out this meditation I recorded for my community leading them through the practice of surrender. The practice will surprise you. → Meditation
Shirani M. Pathak leads leaders on healing the trauma of supremacy culture so that they can lead from their humanity rather than internalized supremacy.
Join her newsletter for weekly insights, podcast episodes, and other resources at www.shiranimpathak.com/connect.
Ready to do the work? Apply to join Shirani in her signature mentorship and transformational group coaching program to heal the trauma of internalized supremacy. Visit this link to learn more → The Sanctuary
