No Emotional Intimacy? Stonewalling May Be Why

As kids, you call it the “silent treatment.” As you reach adulthood, the silent treatment morphs into a behavior called stonewalling. It’s still not fun and it is far from harmless in your relationships.

You see, stonewalling involves more than just a refusal to talk. In a relationship setting, the stonewalling partner is detaching emotionally. Externally, their body language and facial expressions may remain neutral (at best). Internally, they’re shutting down any chance of emotional intimacy and connection.

Stonewalling Basics and Tactics

If your partner is stonewalling you, it’s not a child’s game. Most likely, it is a dysfunctional coping mechanism designed to:

Science tells us that 85 percent of the time, it’s cis-hetero men who engage in this stonewalling behavior (but other humans can do it, too). Brain science tells us that men’s brains prefer logic and problem-solving. When interacting in the realms of communication and emotions, men can shut down. Our patriarchal culture that doesn’t teach us any skills for relationships is another culprit as well.

A Few Signs of Stonewalling

Stonewalling can manifest in your partner simply refusing to answer questions or even making eye contact. This can go as far as ignoring you as if you weren’t there. If you persist, the stonewalling partner may remove themselves from any discussion they don’t wish to have. This includes storming off without explanation. In its less obvious forms stonewalling may include:

• Deflection: changing the subject, getting confrontational and/or making accusations, not validating partner’s concerns or point of view, or listing an endless number of reasons why you can’t talk about something
• Passive-Aggression: stalling, procrastinating, rolling your eyes, deep sighs, etc.

Whether your partner is being obvious or covert, they may very likely not acknowledge their stonewalling actions and behaviors.

Why Stonewalling is Bad For Your Relationship

• Both partners feel edgy, anxious, and very much unsatisfied
• Loss of trust
• The partner being stonewalled is left in a lonely place
• Decreased emotional intimacy
• It puts the relationship at risk of failing

As a silver lining of sorts, stonewalling is often a sign that your relationship needs immediate support and can be repaired.

How to Address Stonewalling

Don’t Take it (too) Personally

Sure, this is a classic easier-said-than-done suggestion. But stonewalling is about your partner’s behavior. It has nothing to do with you. You may have the desire to immediately address and resolve. It might be more productive to recognize that both partners must be calm in order for progress to be made. Your partner is struggling. Depersonalizing the issue will empower you to problem-solve more productively and calmly.

Practice Compassion and Empathy

It’s almost certain that your partner does not want to hurt you. Your challenge then is to recognize their need for help (without doing for them what they can do for themselves). Try putting yourself in their place and then act accordingly. This will reduce your feelings of resentment and abandonment. It will also help deepen your bond. Studies show the connective powers of empathy between partners. This does not, however, mean that you accept unacceptable behavior, and this does not apply in situations of domestic violence and immediate threat of harm.

Get Help

Whether you are stonewalling or being stonewalled, this is not a sustainable scenario. It calls for individual or couples counseling — or both.

If you reside in California, you can learn about my unique approach to couples therapy at https://www.therapywithshirani.com/.

If you do not reside in California, you can seek a couples therapist in your area, or sign up for my weekly newsletter where I share tips and insights on how to experience authentic connection, authentic communication, and authentic relationships over at www.shiranimpathak.com/connect.

Originally published at https://www.therapywithshirani.com on January 6, 2022.

Shirani M. Pathak is an author, speaker, relationship therapist, consultant, and healer. Her work supports people and organizations in illuminating and dismantling the internalized oppression from supremacy culture so that they can experience authentic connection, authentic communication, and authentic relationships. Join her newsletter for weekly insights, podcast episodes, and other resources at www.shiranimpathak.com/connect.